Dealing with Rejection

The life of an actor revolves around auditions. We prepare, we present, and we wait to hear whether we got the part. Most of the time, we don’t get it.

Ah, the familiar sting of rejection.

When it comes to auditioning for college, rejection can be devastating—especially in today’s age of video auditions. You work your tail off putting together an audition tape for your school of choice, painstakingly analyzing every beat in each song and scene, sweating and groaning through the editing process. Heart pounding, you click the “Send” button…only to receive a rejection in the mail, without ever making eye contact with the person who made the decision.

It feels awful.

How do you deal with that feeling? What precautions can you take to limit the depth of your pain? And how can you set yourself up to bounce back after you get knocked down? 

At this point, I’ve auditioned for more shows than I could possibly count—regional productions, national tours, Broadway shows, TV series, feature films—and the vast majority of those auditions didn’t lead to jobs. I’ve gotten my hopes up again and again and again, and countless times, I’ve been let down.

That, as they say, is show biz.

Luckily, I can tell you from experience that it gets easier. Life is long, and we bounce between wins and losses, learning how to adapt as we go along. Over the years, I’ve adopted a saying that I remind myself of even after my best auditions: “keep your fingers crossed and your hopes down.” While the idea of keeping your hopes down might sound pessimistic, it’s less about expecting the worst than it is about managing your expectations: recognizing that there are several possible outcomes, mentally preparing for each one, and then detaching from them all entirely and allowing life to take its course.

Of course, it’s hard to detach from our hopes—and it’s even harder to detach from the painful feelings that accompany rejection. 

Here’s my disclaimer: one person’s remedy for dealing with rejection will not work for everybody. But hopefully, these tricks that get me through my worst days can at least give you some ideas for how to pull yourself out of a post-rejection slump and get back on your feet so you can try again.

BEFORE THE AUDITION

Be careful about spreading the news. 

I’ve seen young actor friends posting about exciting auditions on social media: “I got a callback for the national tour of [insert show here]! Wish me luck!!” And who can blame them? After all, it’s incredibly exciting to move on to the next step, and it can be gratifying to share that excitement with others.

However, there’s a danger in telling everybody you know about something you’re excited about: there are many people who are going to check in and ask about it. If you get the part you’re auditioning for, or the job you’re interviewing for, or the spot in the college theatre program of your dreams, that’s amazing! You get to celebrate your successes with your friends cheering you on.

But what happens if it doesn’t work out? Your friends care about you and are going to check in. With each friend who asks, “have you heard back yet??” you’re forced to explain what happened and relive the pain of that rejection. So, while it can be tempting to share the excitement of possibility with everybody you know, it can be helpful to your mental health to show restraint and limit the number of people you tell.

AFTER THE AUDITION

Forget about it.

Easier said than done, right? You’re finished with the audition—it went really well. You remember the audition proctor’s smile and their exact words when they congratulated you on a job well done. Now your mind is racing, and you’re picturing yourself sitting down at your first day of classes, wearing the colors of your school of choice, planning to meet up for coffee with that cute person you met at your audition…and before you know it, you’ve set yourself up to believe in a future that does not yet exist.

What happens if that future is taken from you? 

The more time and energy you spend imagining what could be, the harder it is to hear that it’s not going to happen. So, it can be helpful to put it all in the back of your mind until you have to think about it again.

AFTER REJECTION

Allow yourself to be disappointed.

When you don’t get something that you truly want, it’s disappointing. In fact, it can be devastating. Remember: there is no weakness in feeling sad. You are not a failure for experiencing human emotion—you’re a human. It’s all right to feel miserable, or angry, or any other combination of emotions that come with rejection, as long as you don’t allow those emotions to get the better of you. When you’re upset, it can be tempting to take out your emotions on other people, but doing so won’t change anything for the better—and may even end up damaging your relationships with the people closest to you.

Accept support.

Your friends and family want to support you. They cheer you on when you go after your goals, and they comfort you when things don’t go your way. There’s nothing wrong with sitting down with someone who cares about you and letting them know that you need their help to get through difficult times. Being vulnerable and accepting support is the sort of behavior that helps create stronger bonds between people—and the sort of behavior that helps foster a healthy outlook moving forward.

Distract yourself.

Once you’ve dealt with the initial pain of rejection, it can be helpful to find distractions. Life must go on at some point. It can be tempting to lock your bedroom door, pull down the shades, and brood while listening to Radiohead in the dark (okay, maybe that last part is more tempting for an old Millennial like me). But there’s a whole world out there—and not only can it distract you from the sadness you’re experiencing, but it can also provide fulfillment that you won’t find in isolation.

Meet up with your friends and go bowling or mini-golfing (whichever you’re better at). Take your dog for a hike; help your parents cook dinner; do whatever you can think of to take your mind off the things that are bringing you down.

Create something.

Personally, I find a lot of peace and joy in music. I play piano and guitar, and I write songs. Having music for a creative outlet is incredibly helpful to me in times when I feel like my career is stalling, or when I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. By sitting down with my guitar and writing a song—even if the song is just for me—I’m able to explore emotions that are otherwise difficult to express. Songwriting helps me through every heartbreak, whether personal or professional, and when I come out the other side, I have a piece of art that I’ve created—a piece of me that would never have existed had I not felt rejection.

That’s not to say that everybody has to write songs in order to create. Maybe you find joy in watercolors, or poetry, or by digging around in a garden and helping things grow. Maybe you’d prefer to put together the perfect playlist, or transform old t-shirts into trend-setting masterpieces, or fine-tune your recipe for chocolate chip cookies. Whatever it is that makes you happy and rewards your efforts with something tangible, find time to do it. You won’t regret it.

Take the next step.

At the time of this writing, my nephew is a little over a year old. Having only just discovered how to use his legs, he falls. A lot. But no matter how often he falls, he always gets back up. Sometimes he picks himself up and goes about his business, and sometimes it’s a bit harder: tears streaming down his eyes, he reaches out for help and sits with his mother until the pain subsides. But no matter how hard he cries, it isn’t long before he’s back on his feet, sprinting maniacally toward the next thing that could hurt him.

I think we can learn a lot from my nephew, along with every toddler just like him. We all fall, and some falls are harder than others. Sometimes we bounce back on our own, and sometimes we need support to get back on our feet. But at the end of the day, if we really want something, we can’t let a single stumble keep us from running toward our goals.

After you’ve distracted yourself from the pain, after you’ve figured out a way to channel your disappointment into something productive, it’s time to move forward. 

IN CONCLUSION

Rejection happens to every single one of us. At some point, we go after something we really, truly want, and it doesn’t always work out in our favor—but it’ll never work out if we don’t put ourselves out there. 

The only way to avoid rejection is to avoid going after the things you want. If you’re driven toward a goal, you’re going to face rejection here and there. But rejection isn’t a permanent setback; it’s a fleeting moment in which you’re forced to reorient yourself and your mindset to find a way to keep moving toward your goals.

Some goals are simple, and they only take a step or two to achieve. You want ice cream? Go to the kitchen and check the freezer. No ice cream? Go to the store. Simple.

Other goals are not so simple. There are Big Goals; there are Dreams; there are things that may take a lifetime to achieve, and they are not accomplished in a single step or a straight line. Life is full of winding paths and dark corridors and forks in the road. Countless times, you make a split-second decision and take the path that feels right at the time, and maybe where you end up is a different place than the one you set out towards, but it may be exactly where you need to be.

Rejection hurts. I won’t lie about that. But rejection is not a reflection of your worth as a person. You are more than any single moment in your life, no matter how devastating it may feel at the time.

So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and follow the path that you choose.

You’ll never know where it goes until you try.